a broken spirit & a contrite heart, I don't despise

Before going for yesterday service, i worshipped & prayed with whatever "heart" i've left. "Help me stay faithful & steadfast in Your hands" were the last verse of the song that i sang as i knelt down in the comfort of my empty house. i was feeling sad & angry at myself for feeling sad most of the times. shouldn't i be joyful for what God has done for me on the cross? why am i like what pastor said "baptised in bitter gourd juice"? why am i feeling up & down so frequently, so fast? why can't i see beyond my current situation & trust God with my future? why am i like a yoyo, worse still like a yoyo played by the devil. wah, when i sense these words "like a yoyo played by the devil" in my heart, i felt lagi sadder... meanwhile trying to convince myself who am i, that i'm a princess of God & belongs to Him only.

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As i was on my knees, crying as i felt sad & angry at myself, i heard God say that "a broken spirit & a contrite heart, I don't despise". on hearing these, i cried like nobody's business (yea, since i'm alone anyway). why am i despising myself for feeling sad? Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven! (Matt 5:3) was what Ps Jeff shared just last night! only when we're at our wit's ends do we realise that there's always & only this One Person we can approach with confident: Jesus. being down can be a motivation for us to turn to God in need again, only if we choose to do so. so being sad is not a problem itself. it's what we do with our sadness that sets us apart. i've chosen to give it to Lord yesterday & will keep reminding myself (with God's strength) to do so in future. Man are so weak!

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During service, i was deeply touched by this new song that goes "Only You can hear the heartbeat that says i love you. Only You feel the deep emotions that ache to hold You". you see, sometimes i even doubt if i really love God but He knows that there's just this deep, small corner of my heart that still says i do love Him. & He definitely knows i ache to want to hold onto Him, the cost of pride, self-centreness, logic, great inconvenience and misunderstanding by those who have yet to know Him. TG these costs come with the prize of knowing Jesus. knowing that Holy Spirit is always living in you, reminding you of God's presence & hence help us live a holy life to please Him.

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i'm sad. becos i'm not made for this world. i'm homesick for heaven!!! :)

Comments

[Sharlene]

Hi Fione,

Its okie to feel this way now you are feeling. be soaked in His grace and know that this is a journey of restoration. The Lord will tear down any unwanted stuff and restore a new heart that will pump in tune with His heartbeat.

I pray your mind will be renewed, your spirit man will be restored. Continue to jia you! Though it may not easy. But remember you have a spiritual family behind you!

John 15:5. Abide in Him and He in you.

And the best part is He will not allow anything what you cannot bear. Therefore we can rest in His peace, knowing that He is in control.

Jia you Jia you Jia you!!!!!

Cheers,

Sharlene